Types of Non-Monogamy, Explained
The main types of non-monogamy are monogamish arrangements, swinging, open relationships, polyamory (with styles such as hierarchical, kitchen table and parallel), solo polyamory and relationship anarchy. What they share is that everyone involved knows and agrees. What separates them is mostly how much room there is for feelings, whether partners play together or apart, and whether one relationship comes first.
Labels are tools, not boxes. Most people mix and match, and many move between types over the years. Here is a plain map.
Three questions that sort almost everything
Before the list, three questions do most of the sorting:
- Sex, love, or both? Is the openness about sexual experiences, romantic relationships, or both?
- Together or apart? Do you meet other people as a couple, or can each of you see people on your own?
- Is there a centre? Is one relationship the primary one, or are all relationships equal in principle?
Keep those in mind and the rest becomes easy.
Monogamish
Mostly monogamous, with agreed exceptions. Flirting and kissing at a party, the occasional shared adventure on holiday, or one specific freedom each. Romance stays at home. For many couples this is a first step, and for many it is where they happily stay. See monogamish for more.
Swinging
Couples who enjoy sexual experiences with other couples or single people, usually together and often at private parties or on trips. Feelings for other people are normally kept light; the emotional relationship is the couple's own. Swingers have their own vocabulary, such as soft swap and full swap, explained in soft swap vs full swap, and their own etiquette. Our introduction to what swinging is covers the basics.
Open relationships
A couple agrees that one or both partners may have sex with other people, often separately. Many open couples keep emotional involvement off the table, or limit repeat dates with the same person. Others are more relaxed. The difference from polyamory is mostly about love, as open relationship vs polyamory vs swinging explains.
Hotwifing and similar arrangements
A specific kind of openness in which one partner, most often the wife, dates or plays with others with her husband's enthusiastic agreement, sometimes with him there and sometimes not. It is about shared excitement as much as freedom. Read hotwifing for how couples talk about it.
Threesomes
Not a relationship type so much as an experience many couples try, often with a single woman. Done well, it is a meeting of three equals. Done badly, it turns into what the community calls unicorn hunting. Our respectful threesome guide for couples explains the difference.
Polyamory
Having, or being open to, more than one loving relationship at a time, with everyone's knowledge. Polyamory comes in several styles, and most people combine them:
Hierarchical
One relationship, usually a live-in couple, is the primary one, with more say over big decisions. Other partners are secondary. Honest about priorities, but it needs care so other partners are not treated as disposable.
Non-hierarchical
No partner is ranked above another by rule. Commitments still differ, since you may live with one partner and not another, but each relationship is allowed to grow on its own terms.
Kitchen table and parallel
These describe how partners' other partners relate. Kitchen table polyamory means everyone is comfortable sitting down for breakfast together. Parallel polyamory means relationships run side by side and metamours rarely meet. See kitchen table polyamory vs parallel polyamory.
Polyfidelity
A closed group, often three or four people, who are committed to each other and not open to new partners. In daily life it can look a lot like monogamy with more people.
Our beginner's guide to polyamory goes deeper on all of this.
Solo polyamory
Someone who has several relationships but does not want a couple-shaped primary partner, a shared home or merged finances. They are their own primary partner. It suits many single people who love deeply and value their independence. See solo polyamory.
Relationship anarchy
The most open-ended style. Relationship anarchists do not rank relationships by type, so a friendship is not automatically less important than a romance, and each connection is shaped by the people in it rather than by a default script. It is less a set of rules than a refusal of rules you did not choose.
Mono-poly
One partner is polyamorous or open, and the other is monogamous and happy that way. It can work well when the monogamous partner is genuinely content, not quietly hoping things change. Regular, honest check-ins matter here more than anywhere, because the two partners are living different experiences under one roof, and small resentments are easy to miss until they are large.
Don't ask, don't tell
Some couples agree that openness is allowed but details are never shared. It can suit people who find specifics painful. The risk is that secrecy becomes a habit and small worries grow in the dark, so many people who start here move toward more openness over time.
A quick comparison
| Type | Feelings for others | Together or apart | Primary couple |
|---|---|---|---|
| Monogamish | Rarely | Usually together | Yes |
| Swinging | Light | Usually together | Yes |
| Open relationship | Often limited | Often apart | Usually |
| Hierarchical polyamory | Yes | Either | Yes |
| Non-hierarchical polyamory | Yes | Either | No ranking by rule |
| Solo polyamory | Yes | Apart | No |
| Relationship anarchy | Yes | Either | No ranking at all |
Finding the type that fits
Take Sofia and Michael. They started out monogamish, then spent a few years swinging together on trips between Canada and Europe, and later realised Sofia had fallen for a friend in a way that felt like polyamory. None of that was planned. Each change was talked through and agreed.
That is the normal pattern. Pick the type that matches what you both want now, not what you think you should want, and expect it to evolve.
Whatever style suits you, it is easier among people who understand it. If you are a couple or a single woman in North America or Europe, you can join Rope & Candy, a free, invite-only circle where the first meeting is almost always a coffee or a dinner.
Questions people ask
What are the main types of non-monogamy?
The most common are monogamish arrangements, swinging, open relationships, polyamory, solo polyamory and relationship anarchy. They all rest on everyone knowing and agreeing. They differ in how much room there is for feelings and whether one relationship comes first.
What is the difference between swinging and polyamory?
Swinging is mostly about shared sexual experiences, usually with a couple playing together and keeping romance at home. Polyamory is about having more than one loving relationship. Some people do both, and the line can blur over time.
Which type of non-monogamy is best for beginners?
The right type is the one that fits what you both want. Many couples start with a monogamish agreement or with swinging together, because both keep the couple at the centre and let you go slowly.
Can you change from one type of non-monogamy to another?
Yes, and many people do. A couple might start swinging, later allow separate dates and eventually find they are polyamorous, or go the other way. What matters is that each change is agreed, not assumed.