The Best Books on Open Relationships and Non-Monogamy
The best books on open relationships are The Ethical Slut, Opening Up, More Than Two, Polysecure, Mating in Captivity, Sex at Dawn and Open Monogamy, and the right one for you depends on where you are. If you want a first read, start with The Ethical Slut or Opening Up. If you want help with feelings, read Polysecure, and if you want to keep desire alive in a long relationship, read Mating in Captivity.
Below we sort them by what you actually need, with a short note on each and a suggested reading order for couples.
If you want a first book
The Ethical Slut, Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy (1997, third edition 2017)
The classic. Warm, funny and values-first, it argues that you can have several sexual or romantic connections and still be honest and kind. Its core themes are consent, owning your feelings, treating jealousy as information, and building agreements that fit you. It can feel very celebratory if you are still unsure, so take it slowly. Our full summary: The Ethical Slut, key ideas.
Opening Up, Tristan Taormino (2008)
The calm, practical one. Based on interviews with many people in open relationships, it maps the main styles, from swinging to polyamory and more, and walks through agreements, jealousy, safer sex and telling other people. If you want a balanced overview without being told what to choose, this is it. Our summary: Opening Up by Tristan Taormino.
Our pick: if one of you is keen and the other is cautious, start with Opening Up. It feels less like a sales pitch.
If you are leaning towards polyamory
More Than Two, Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert (2014)
A long, detailed guide to loving more than one person. Its big theme is that the people in a relationship matter more than the structure, so it looks hard at rules, vetoes and hierarchy, and speaks up for newer partners who often have the least say. Some readers find it preachy, but its questions about fairness are worth asking whatever your style. Our summary: More Than Two, key ideas.
Before you read it, our guide to what polyamory is and the differences between open relationships, polyamory and swinging will help you place it.
If feelings are the hard part
Polysecure, Jessica Fern (2020)
Fern, a therapist, applies attachment theory to non-monogamy. Her central point is that opening up can remove a structure that was quietly holding up your sense of safety, so old fears rush to the surface. She offers HEARTS, a set of ways partners build security: being present, expressing delight, attunement, rituals, repairing after conflict, and being steady with yourself. Our summary: Polysecure, attachment and non-monogamy.
Pair it with our practical guide on how to deal with jealousy in an open relationship.
If you want to stay close and add a little openness
Open Monogamy, Tammy Nelson (2021)
Nelson, a sex and couples therapist, writes for couples who want to stay each other's main partner while making room for some openness. She treats monogamy as a range rather than an on-off switch and helps couples write their own agreement about where they sit on it. If the word "polyamory" feels like too much, this may feel just right. It sits well with our guide to being monogamish.
Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel (2006)
Not a book about non-monogamy as such, but one of the most useful books for any long-term couple. Perel argues that the closeness and security we build at home can quietly smother desire, which needs some distance, mystery and play. Couples who open up often find her ideas explain why seeing your partner through someone else's eyes can be so charged. Our summary: Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel on desire.
If you enjoy Perel, her later book The State of Affairs (2017) looks at infidelity with the same thoughtful, non-judgemental eye.
If you like big ideas
Sex at Dawn, Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá (2010)
A lively, provocative book arguing that our foraging ancestors were far less sexually exclusive than the usual story claims, and that strict monogamy came with farming and property. Many readers find it freeing. Many scientists find it selective, and it has been strongly criticised. Read it as an argument to discuss, not a final word. Our summary covers both sides: Sex at Dawn, key ideas and the debate.
A reading order for couples
Here is a simple plan you can try, whether you are in Seattle, Montreal, Dublin or Madrid:
- Month one: Opening Up. Get the map and the shared vocabulary.
- Month two: The Ethical Slut. Add the values: consent, permission, owning feelings.
- Month three: whichever fits. Polysecure if feelings are loud, Open Monogamy if you want to stay close, More Than Two if you are drifting towards polyamory.
- Any time: Mating in Captivity. Good for every couple, open or not.
And one simple habit that makes any of these books more useful. One invented couple, Kate and Ben from Vancouver, read one chapter a week and then each answered three questions over dinner:
"What did I agree with? What made me uneasy? Is there anything I would like us to try, or not try, because of it?"
The uneasy answers turned out to be the most useful. They pointed straight to the conversations to have before you open up.
A word on books versus people
Books give you words and ideas. They cannot tell you how you will feel the first time you watch your partner flirt with someone, or how good it can be to sit at a table with people who think the way you do. Read, talk, and then take small, real steps at your own pace. Our step-by-step guide to opening a relationship is a good next stop.
A closing thought
The best book is the one you actually read together and talk about. When you are ready to put some of it into practice with friendly, open-minded couples and single women, starting with a coffee or a dinner, you are welcome to join Rope & Candy.
Questions people ask
What is the best first book on open relationships?
For most people, The Ethical Slut or Opening Up. The Ethical Slut is warm and values-first, while Opening Up is a calm, practical map of the different styles. Either is a good place to begin.
Which book helps most with jealousy in non-monogamy?
Polysecure by Jessica Fern is the deepest on why jealousy and fear show up, using attachment theory. The Ethical Slut and Opening Up also have practical, kind chapters on handling it.
Are there books for couples who want to stay mostly monogamous?
Yes. Open Monogamy by Tammy Nelson is written for couples who want to stay each other's main partner while adding some openness. Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity is about keeping desire alive in any long relationship.
Should couples read these books together?
Ideally, yes, and slowly. Reading the same chapter and talking about one idea you liked and one that made you uneasy turns a book into a useful conversation instead of an argument.