Esther Perel Books: Which to Read and What Each Teaches
There are two Esther Perel books most people mean: Mating in Captivity (2006), about why desire fades in loving relationships and how to keep it alive, and The State of Affairs (2017), about infidelity, why people stray and how couples recover. Read Mating in Captivity first if the problem is a quiet bedroom. Read The State of Affairs first if the problem is a betrayal. Both are short, humane and written for ordinary couples, not therapists.
Below: who Esther Perel is, what each book teaches, how they compare, and which to start with for your situation.
Who is Esther Perel?
Esther Perel is a psychotherapist who grew up in Belgium and has worked with couples in New York for decades. She moves easily between languages and cultures, and that outsider's eye is a big part of her appeal. She often contrasts American habits of mind about sex and fidelity with European ones, and neither side gets off lightly.
Her books made her one of the best-known voices on modern love. Many people first met her through her talks on desire and on infidelity, or through her podcast, Where Should We Begin?, in which she works with real couples. The books are where the ideas are set out most fully.
Mating in Captivity: the book about desire
Mating in Captivity asks a question many couples are embarrassed to say aloud: why do we stop wanting the person we love? Perel's answer is that love and desire want different things. Love wants closeness and safety. Desire wants some distance, mystery and novelty. A relationship built only on the first can starve the second.
The book's practical spirit is about keeping a little space: separate interests, a self that is not fully merged, and the habit of seeing your partner as a full person out in the world rather than part of the furniture. It also argues that planned intimacy is not unromantic, because anticipation is part of desire.
We have a full page on it, with the key ideas, things to try and the criticism: our Mating in Captivity summary. If you only read one thing about Perel, read that.
The State of Affairs: the book about infidelity
The State of Affairs looks at infidelity without the usual script of villain and victim. It is a more uncomfortable book, and for many readers a more important one.
Affairs happen in happy marriages too
The standard view is that an affair is a symptom of a broken relationship. Perel's experience is that many people who stray say they love their partner and are happy at home. Something else is going on.
Often it is about a lost self
One of her central ideas is that people who have affairs are often not looking for a different person so much as a different version of themselves: younger, freer, more alive, less defined by duty. The affair is a window onto a part of their life they had shut away. That does not excuse the deceit. It explains it.
Secrecy is the engine
Perel points out that secrecy is a large part of what makes an affair feel charged. The hidden quality is not a side effect. It is part of the appeal, which is also why discovery hurts so much.
Why betrayal hurts more now
When we expect one partner to be our best friend, lover, confidant and co-parent, an affair can feel like it shatters not just trust but identity. Perel argues that our high hopes for marriage are part of why infidelity is so devastating today.
Recovery is possible, and it is not one thing
Some couples end. Some stay together and stay wounded. Some come through and build something better than before. Perel describes the difference between questions that hunt for painful details and questions that look for meaning, such as what the affair gave the person who strayed and what it says about the marriage. The second kind, she argues, helps healing far more.
Open relationships, mentioned honestly
She writes without judgement about couples who negotiate different boundaries, including some openness. It is worth being clear about what the book does not say: it does not suggest opening up as a cure for an affair. Openness built on trust is a different thing from a relationship trying to recover from a broken promise. Our guide on whether open relationships work goes into what tends to help and what does not.
Mating in Captivity vs The State of Affairs
The quickest way to see the difference:
- Subject. Mating in Captivity is about wanting your partner. The State of Affairs is about wanting someone else.
- Mood. The first is playful and hopeful. The second is serious and often painful.
- Who it suits. The first suits couples who love each other but feel flat. The second suits couples dealing with an affair, people tempted by one, and anyone curious about why fidelity is so fragile.
- Common thread. Both books argue that desire needs freedom and imagination, and that pretending otherwise causes harm.
Read together, they make a single argument. The first book is about tending desire at home. The second is about what can happen when nobody does.
Which Esther Perel book should you read first?
A simple guide:
- "We love each other, but the spark has gone." Mating in Captivity. Our page on sexless marriage is a kind companion.
- "One of us had an affair." The State of Affairs, and ideally a good couples therapist alongside it.
- "We are curious about an open relationship." Mating in Captivity first, for the ideas about desire and distance, then a practical guide from our list of the best books on open relationships.
- "I am tempted, and nothing has happened yet." The State of Affairs. It is clear-eyed about what affairs give and what they cost.
- "I just want to understand relationships better." Start with Mating in Captivity. It is the lighter read.
What critics say about Esther Perel's books
Both books draw the same fair criticisms. They rest on stories from her practice rather than research. Her couples tend to be comfortable and Western, with time and money for date nights and reflection. And some readers of The State of Affairs feel she is too understanding towards the partner who strayed. Perel would say that understanding is not approval, but readers in fresh pain may not want to hear that yet.
None of that has stopped either book from helping a great many couples. They are best read as wise company, not as a manual.
What Esther Perel teaches open-minded couples
Perel is neutral about monogamy, and that neutrality is the useful part for open-minded readers. She treats boundaries as something a couple sets together, honestly, rather than a fixed rule handed down. Her line of thought, that a partner seen at a slight distance can become fascinating again, rings true for many couples who enjoy evenings among friends.
We see it in our own circle: the moment that matters most is often a partner watching the other laugh with new people across a room, and liking what they see.
A little distance, and good company
Both books end up in the same place: desire grows when two people keep some air between them and keep talking honestly. Many couples find that air by spending time with friends who enjoy them both, people they can talk to openly without explaining themselves first. When no money changes hands, nobody is selling a fantasy, and people come because they want to. If you are a couple or a single woman in North America or Europe and that sounds like your kind of company, you can join Rope & Candy. Joining is free and takes one email, and when someone from our team is in your city, we meet you for a coffee or a dinner.
Questions people ask
Why is Esther Perel famous?
She is a Belgian-born couples therapist in New York whose ideas about desire and infidelity reached a huge audience through her two books, her talks and her podcast. She is known for treating sex, longing and betrayal with curiosity rather than judgement.
What is Esther Perel's best-known book?
Mating in Captivity, published in 2006, is the book that made her name and is still the one most people mean. The State of Affairs, published in 2017, is the other one people read, especially after an affair.
Is Mating in Captivity a good book?
For most long-term couples, yes. It explains clearly why desire fades in loving relationships and what helps. Its weaknesses are that it relies on stories from therapy rather than research, and that its couples are mostly comfortable and Western.
Do I need to read Esther Perel's books in order?
No. They stand alone. Start with the one that matches what is happening in your life, then read the other if you want the full picture.