Opening Up by Tristan Taormino: Key Ideas
Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino, is a practical guide to creating and keeping an open relationship, published in 2008. Its key idea is that there is no single way to be non-monogamous: the book maps the main styles, from swinging to polyamory, and shows through many interviews how real people make each one work. If you want one calm, balanced book on opening up, this is a very good choice.
Here is our summary of what it covers, what makes it useful, and how a couple can read it together.
What makes this book different
Many books on non-monogamy argue for something. Opening Up mostly describes. Taormino interviewed a large number of people in open relationships and built the book around what they actually do, what goes well and what goes wrong.
That makes it feel less like a manifesto and more like a long, honest conversation with people who have been there. It also means you will probably find your own situation in it somewhere, whether you are a married couple who wants to play together, a pair who wants more freedom separately, or someone who is single by choice.
The styles of open relationship it maps
A big part of the book is a tour of different setups. In our own words, they include:
- Partnered non-monogamy. A couple stays each other's main partner and agrees that some sex or romance with others is fine, within limits they set.
- Swinging. Couples meeting other couples or singles, usually together and mostly for sex and friendship. Our guide to what swinging is goes deeper.
- Polyamory. Loving, ongoing relationships with more than one person. See what is polyamory.
- Polyfidelity. A closed group of three or more who are faithful within the group.
- Mono and poly together. One partner is non-monogamous and the other is not, by agreement.
- Solo styles. People who have several connections without one main partner.
- Don't ask, don't tell. Openness is allowed, but details are not shared. The book is frank about why this can be harder than it sounds.
The value of the tour is that it gives couples words. Many people only know "monogamous" and "cheating". Once you see the range, it is easier to say what you want. For a short version, see our guide to the types of non-monogamy.
The practical advice
Taormino covers the questions most couples face, in roughly the order they face them:
Deciding whether to open up
The book asks you to look honestly at your reasons. Opening up because you are curious, playful and secure is different from opening up to fix a relationship that is failing. That is not a moral judgement, just a warning about what tends to happen.
Making agreements
Agreements are treated as personal and changeable. The book encourages couples to talk through specifics, such as who, where, how often, what is shared afterwards, and what safer sex looks like, rather than assume they mean the same thing by "open". Our guide to open relationship rules gives examples.
Jealousy and compersion
Jealousy is expected, not shameful. The book offers ways to notice it, talk about it and reduce it over time. It also discusses compersion, the warm feeling of being glad your partner is happy with someone else. More in what is compersion.
Safer sex
Clear, non-judgemental guidance on barriers, testing and honest talk about risk. For a modern, practical version, see our guide to sexual health in open relationships.
Coming out, family and everyday life
Whether to tell friends, family or colleagues, how to handle children, and how to manage time across relationships. These chapters are where the interviews really help. Our piece on explaining non-monogamy to friends and family adds scripts.
What has aged, and what has not
Opening Up came out before most of today's dating apps and before some of the newer words people use now. Some examples will feel a little 2008. That does not matter much. The core lessons are timeless:
- Talk more than feels natural.
- Make agreements specific and revisit them.
- Treat jealousy as information.
- Look after your sexual health and be honest about it.
- Treat everyone you meet as a person, not a project.
Readers in the US, Canada, the UK or elsewhere in Europe will recognise most of it, though attitudes to discretion and to talking about sex in public do vary by place.
Reading it as a couple
One invented couple, Laura and Chris from Chicago, used the styles chapter as a game. Each of them privately ranked the styles from "yes, curious" to "not for me", then they compared lists over dinner.
They found they agreed on more than they expected. Both were curious about meeting other couples together. Chris was also curious about separate dates; Laura was not. Because the book had given them neutral words for each, the talk stayed friendly.
What Laura said:
"I like the idea of doing this together. Separate dates feel like a different conversation, and I'd like to park that one for now."
What Chris said:
"Parked is fine. Let's start with the part we both like and see how it feels."
If you are the one hoping to raise the topic, our guide on how to ask your partner for an open relationship pairs well with this book.
Who should read it
Opening Up suits you if you want a balanced overview of the options, if you are a couple deciding which style fits, or if you want reassurance that many ordinary people live this way. If you want more values and less description, read The Ethical Slut. If you are leaning towards polyamory, add More Than Two. Our list of the best books on open relationships shows how they fit together.
A closing thought
The best thing about Opening Up is how normal it makes all of this feel: lots of people, lots of styles, lots of honest conversations. If you are ready to meet some of those people in person, starting with a relaxed coffee or dinner, you are welcome to join Rope & Candy.
Questions people ask
What is Opening Up by Tristan Taormino about?
It is a practical guide to open relationships, published in 2008 and based on interviews with many people living them. It describes different styles of non-monogamy and the everyday issues that come with each.
Is Opening Up good for couples who want to swing?
Yes. Unlike some books on the topic, it treats swinging as one valid style among several, next to polyamory and other open setups. Couples can see their own style described without being told it is the lesser choice.
Opening Up or The Ethical Slut: which should I read first?
If you want a calm map of the options and how real couples handle them, start with Opening Up. If you want a warm, values-first book about shame, consent and permission, start with The Ethical Slut. Many people read both.
Is Opening Up out of date?
Some details are, since it came out in 2008, before most of today's apps and some newer terms. The core advice on honesty, agreements, jealousy and safer sex still holds up well.