Single and Non-Monogamous: Solo Polyamory and Other Ways to Live
Solo polyamory means having more than one loving or intimate relationship while remaining your own primary partner. Solo polyamorous people usually do not plan to share a home, finances or a single life path with anyone, yet their relationships can be warm, honest and long-lasting. It is one of several ways to be single and non-monogamous, alongside casual dating, swinging as a single person and simply staying open.
If you have ever felt that the usual relationship ladder does not fit you, this guide is for you.
What solo polyamory is, and is not
People in polyamorous circles often talk about the "relationship escalator": you meet, date, become exclusive, move in, marry, maybe have children. Each step up is treated as a sign of how serious things are.
Solo polyamory steps off that escalator, at least partly. A solo poly person might:
- Have two or three ongoing relationships, each important in its own way.
- Keep their own home and make big life decisions on their own.
- Spend holidays with different people in different years, or alone.
- See a partner for years without ever wanting to move in.
What it is not:
- Not commitment-phobia. Many solo poly people are very committed, just not to merging their lives.
- Not "single until something better comes along." For many, this is the something.
- Not a lack of care. Honesty with every partner is part of the deal.
For a wider overview of the different forms non-monogamy can take, see our guide to what polyamory is and types of non-monogamy.
Other ways to be single and non-monogamous
Solo polyamory is not the only option. Some people who are single and open-minded prefer:
Casual and honest. Dating several people lightly, telling each of them so, with no plan for anything long term.
Single in the swinging world. Meeting couples and other single people socially and at private parties among friends, mostly for fun and connection. Our guides to what single women can expect at private parties and meeting a couple as a single woman cover this side.
Relationship anarchy. A related idea where people avoid ranking relationships at all and agree on each connection's shape individually.
Open to anything. Some people simply stay open and let each relationship become what it becomes.
There is no need to pick a label. Many people move between these over the years.
How common is it?
Non-monogamy is less rare than many people assume. A 2017 study by Haupert and colleagues found that about one in five single adults in the US had been in a consensually non-monogamous relationship at some point. Research does not split out solo polyamory neatly, so we will not invent a figure for it. What we can say is that you are far from alone.
Making it work: honesty first
The one thing every kind of ethical non-monogamy shares is honesty. For solo poly people, that means:
- Tell people early. Not on the fifth date. A simple line on the first or second meeting is kind to everyone.
- Say what you can offer. Time, affection, a lovely evening every other week, a travel companion twice a year. Be specific.
- Say what you need. Some solo poly people need lots of independence, others want regular contact. Neither is wrong.
- Keep people informed when things change. A new relationship, a change in health status, a move.
A script you might use:
"Just so you know where I stand: I'm solo poly. I don't want a live-in partner, and I do have other people in my life. I'm honest with all of them, and I'd be honest with you. I really like you, and I'd love to keep seeing you if that works for you."
Our guide to what ethical non-monogamy is explains the wider principles.
Dating people in couples
Solo poly people often date someone who is in a couple, or the couple together. That can work beautifully, as long as everyone is open about what they want.
A few habits help:
- Meet both partners if you are dating one of them, or at least know that the partner knows and agrees.
- Ask about their agreements and how they affect you. Rules made without you should not quietly bind you.
- Look after your own needs. If you are always fitted around their schedule, say so.
If you are a single woman approached by a couple, our piece on unicorn hunting and how couples can do better explains what fair treatment looks like.
Practical things to sort out
Sexual health. With several partners, regular testing and condoms and barriers matter. Talk about results openly, and ask a doctor or sexual health clinic about what fits your situation, including the HPV vaccine or HIV prevention medicine (PrEP). Our guide to sexual health in open relationships covers the basics.
Time. Being your own primary partner includes making time for yourself. Many solo poly people protect evenings alone as firmly as dates.
Privacy. Decide how open you want to be with friends, family and colleagues. Our article on explaining non-monogamy to friends and family has some gentle approaches, and our piece on discreet dating profiles helps online.
Legal questions. Relationships between consenting adults are legal across the US, Canada, the UK and the EU. Marrying more than one person is not. Beyond that, this is general information, not legal advice.
Reading that helps
A few books many solo poly people find useful:
- The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy (1997, third edition 2017), on honest, joyful non-monogamy. Our summary of The Ethical Slut pulls out the key ideas.
- More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert (2014), on communication and ethics across many relationship shapes.
- Polysecure by Jessica Fern (2020), on attachment and feeling secure without one central partner.
Finding your people
Living outside the usual script is easier among people who do not need it explained. If you are single, open-minded and would like to meet couples and other single women as friends first, over a coffee or a dinner in North America or Europe, you are welcome to join Rope & Candy. It is free, there is no looks test, and nothing is expected of you.
Questions people ask
What is solo polyamory?
Solo polyamory is a way of having more than one loving or intimate relationship while staying your own primary partner. A solo poly person usually does not plan to merge their life with anyone, for example by sharing a home or finances, but their relationships can still be deep and lasting.
Is solo polyamory just casual dating?
No. Casual dating can be light and short term, while solo polyamory often includes real commitment and long relationships. The difference is that those relationships do not follow the usual path of moving in, marrying and becoming one unit.
Can a solo polyamorous person date someone in a couple?
Yes, and many do. It works best when everyone is honest about what they are offering and what they need, and when the couple does not expect the single person to fit around rules made without them.
How do I explain solo polyamory to a new date?
Keep it short and early. You might say you are not looking for a single partner to build a household with, that you have other connections, and that you are honest about all of them. Then let them ask questions.