Monogamish: The Middle Ground Many Couples Choose
Monogamish describes a couple who are mostly monogamous but have agreed on a few small, specific exceptions. That might mean kissing someone else at a party, flirting freely when travelling, or an occasional shared experience with another person, while day-to-day life stays firmly closed. The word was popularised by the advice columnist Dan Savage, and it names something a great many couples were already quietly doing.
For couples who feel that full monogamy is a little too tight and a fully open relationship is far too much, monogamish is often the honest middle ground.
Where the word comes from, and why it caught on
Dan Savage used "monogamish" to describe his own relationship and those of many readers who wrote in: committed, loving, mostly exclusive, with a bit of flexibility. It caught on because it gave people a word for something real. Before it, the only choices on offer seemed to be "faithful" or "open", with nothing between.
Tammy Nelson's book Open Monogamy (2021) explores similar ground. Her idea, put simply, is that monogamy and openness are not two boxes but a spectrum, and every couple can decide together where on it they want to sit.
What monogamish looks like in real life
Every couple's version is different, but most fall into a few familiar patterns. Some examples of exceptions couples agree on:
- Flirting and kissing. At a party, a dance, a night out together, but nothing beyond that.
- Together only. An occasional experience with another person, always as a couple, never apart.
- Special occasions. A birthday or anniversary treat, agreed in advance.
- Travel. A little more freedom on holidays far from home, and none at all in their own town.
- Watching or being watched. Some couples enjoy the feeling of others around them without anyone else joining in.
Notice what these have in common: the exceptions are small, clear and rare. Most of the time, a monogamish couple looks and lives like any other couple.
An invented example: Lucy and James have been married eight years. Their only agreement is that once or twice a year, on a trip, they can kiss and flirt with another couple if all four are keen, and it stops there. They say that one small exception keeps their relationship playful, and they never want more.
Why so many couples choose it
It is easier to say yes to
The thought of "opening up" can scare a partner. "Could we try kissing someone together at a party?" is a much smaller ask. Many couples find that a monogamish agreement is a genuine yes where a bigger change would only be a reluctant one. If you are wondering how to raise it, our guide on how to ask for an open relationship works just as well for a small ask.
It keeps the couple at the centre
Because exceptions are rare and usually shared, the relationship stays the main event. There is less risk of a new connection eating up time or feelings, and less need for complicated logistics.
It brings novelty home
Many couples say a small taste of something new, or simply the knowledge that it is allowed, brings energy back into their own relationship. Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity has a lot to say about why a touch of the unknown helps desire in long relationships.
It is reversible
If it does not feel good, it is easy to step back. Nothing much has changed. A couple who tried kissing someone at a party and felt odd about it the next day can simply say "that was not for us" and carry on exactly as before. Compare that with unwinding a fully open arrangement, with new people and new feelings involved, and you can see why many couples like to start small.
How monogamish differs from other arrangements
- Fully monogamous: no exceptions at all.
- Monogamish: mostly closed, a few small agreed exceptions.
- Open relationship: outside sexual connections are a regular, accepted part of life.
- Swinging: couples share experiences with others, often together, as an active part of their social life.
- Polyamory: more than one loving relationship at once.
Our guide to the difference between polyamory, open relationships and swinging explains each in more depth. Many couples move between these over the years.
Making a monogamish agreement work
Small exceptions still need clear agreements. A few tips:
- Be specific. "Kissing is fine" is clearer than "a little fun is fine". Vague exceptions grow.
- Agree on the setting. Where and when do exceptions apply? Only together? Only away from home?
- Keep the health basics. If any exception involves more than kissing, talk about safer sex and testing first.
- Debrief. Even after something small, talk the next day. What did you enjoy? Was anything uncomfortable?
- Change on purpose, not by drift. If one of you wants to widen the agreement, that is a new conversation, not a quiet stretch on the night.
Our guide to open relationship rules has more examples of agreements that help, and many of them apply here too.
Is monogamish cheating?
No, provided both of you agreed. Cheating is about breaking promises in secret. A monogamish couple has simply made a slightly different promise and keeps it openly. If one partner goes past the agreed line, though, it can hurt just as much as an affair. We explain the difference in is an open relationship cheating?
Is it a step toward something bigger?
Sometimes. Some couples use monogamish as a gentle first step and find they want more, at which point our step-by-step guide to opening a relationship can help. Others are happily monogamish for decades and never want anything else. Both are good outcomes, in the US and Canada as much as in the UK and the rest of Europe. The point is not to climb a ladder. It is to find the place where you both feel at home.
Finding like-minded friends
Monogamish couples are welcome in our circle, whatever your exceptions are, or even if you have not decided on any yet. First meetings are a coffee or a dinner, and nothing is ever expected beyond what you both want. If that sounds like you, you can join Rope & Candy. It is free.
Questions people ask
What does monogamish mean?
Monogamish describes a committed couple who are mostly monogamous but have agreed on some small, clear exceptions, such as kissing others at a party or an occasional shared experience with another person. The word was popularised by the advice columnist Dan Savage.
Is monogamish the same as an open relationship?
It is a light, limited kind of openness. In an open relationship outside connections are a regular part of life, while a monogamish couple spends almost all of its time as a closed couple and treats exceptions as rare and specific.
How do you know if you are monogamish?
If you are committed to each other, mostly closed, and either already have or would like a few agreed exceptions, the word probably fits. Many couples are monogamish without using the label, for example those who allow flirting or kissing when travelling together.
Is monogamish a good first step toward opening up?
For many couples it is, because it lets you test how openness feels with very little at stake. Some couples stay monogamish for good, others go further later. Either outcome is fine, as long as you both choose it.