Polyamory Terms: A Plain Glossary of Poly Words

By the Rope & Candy team · · Polyamory

Polyamory terms can feel like a private language at first: metamour, polycule, compersion, NRE, nesting partner. Each one names something that ordinary relationship words do not quite cover, such as your partner's other partner, or the warm feeling of seeing someone you love happy with someone else. This glossary explains the most common poly terms in plain words, grouped by what they describe, with links to our longer guides where a word deserves more than a line.

You do not need to learn them all. Most people pick up a dozen and use those. The rest are there when a conversation needs them.

The basics: polyamory words everyone uses

  • Polyamory. Having, or being open to, more than one loving relationship at a time, with the knowledge and agreement of everyone involved. The word mixes Greek and Latin: many loves. Our page on what polyamory is covers it fully.
  • Poly. The short form, used as an adjective ("she's poly") or a noun for the whole subject.
  • Ethical non-monogamy (ENM). The umbrella term for any relationship style where people have more than one partner openly and honestly. Polyamory, swinging and open relationships all sit under it. Some people prefer consensual non-monogamy (CNM), which means the same thing. See what ethical non-monogamy is.
  • Monogamy. One partner at a time. Poly people do not see it as wrong, just as one option among several.
  • Mono. Short for monogamous, often used about a person rather than a relationship.
  • Open relationship. Usually a couple who agree that one or both may have sex with other people, often without the emotional side that polyamory includes. The line between the two is blurry; our page on open relationship vs polyamory draws it.

Polyamory terms for the people in your life

  • Partner. Anyone you are in a relationship with. Poly people use it more than boyfriend or girlfriend because it works for every gender and every level of commitment.
  • Metamour. Your partner's other partner, someone you share a partner with but are not dating yourself. It is one of the most useful poly words, because there is no ordinary word for it. More on metamours.
  • Polycule. The whole network of people connected through relationships, drawn on paper it looks like a molecule, which is where the word comes from: polyamory plus molecule. See polycule.
  • Hinge. The person in the middle who is dating two people who are not dating each other.
  • Nesting partner. A partner you live with, whatever the rank or label. Our guide on nesting partners explains the difference between nesting and priority.
  • Anchor partner. A partner who gives a sense of steadiness and long-term commitment, without implying that others matter less. See anchor partner.
  • Primary and secondary. In a hierarchy, the primary is the main partner, often a spouse, and a secondary is a partner with fewer shared commitments. Many people now avoid these words because they can make the secondary feel second-best.
  • Comet. A partner you see rarely, perhaps once or twice a year, but whose connection stays warm across long gaps.
  • Unicorn. A single person, usually a bisexual woman, who joins an existing couple. The word is affectionate when she chooses it and less so when a couple goes looking for someone to fit a ready-made role. See unicorn polyamory and unicorn hunting.

Shapes and structures

  • V or vee. Three people where one person, the hinge, dates the other two, who are not together.
  • Triad. Three people who are all in relationships with each other. Also called a throuple, a newer word that blends three and couple. See throuple.
  • Quad. Four people connected as a group, often two couples.
  • N. A chain of four, where the two middle people are together and each also has another partner.
  • Polyfidelity. A closed group, often a triad or quad, whose members agree not to date outside it. More on polyfidelity.
  • Mono-poly. A relationship where one partner is monogamous and the other is poly, by agreement. See mono-poly relationships.

Styles of polyamory

People search for "the types of polyamory" and get lists of four, five or nine. The truth is that these styles overlap, and many people mix them. The common ones:

  • Hierarchical polyamory. One relationship comes first and has more say, often a married or nesting couple. See hierarchical polyamory.
  • Non-hierarchical polyamory. No partner automatically outranks another. Commitments still differ, but nobody's relationship is ranked by default.
  • Kitchen table polyamory. Everyone in the polycule is friendly enough to sit around a kitchen table together. More on kitchen table polyamory.
  • Parallel polyamory. Each relationship runs on its own, and metamours may never meet. See parallel polyamory.
  • Garden party polyamory. Somewhere in between: metamours are polite and can share a birthday party, but are not close friends.
  • Solo polyamory. Someone with partners who does not build a couple or shared household around any of them. See solo polyamory.
  • Relationship anarchy. A philosophy, set out by Andie Nordgren in a Swedish manifesto in 2006, that rejects ranking relationships at all and lets each one be shaped by the people in it. See relationship anarchy.

Feelings and the words for them

  • Compersion. The warm, happy feeling of seeing a partner enjoy someone else. The word was coined in the Kerista commune in San Francisco in the 1970s. Our page on compersion goes deeper.
  • Frubble. A British word for the same feeling, mostly used in the UK.
  • Jealousy. Expected, normal and workable. Poly people talk about it as information, not a verdict. See how to deal with jealousy.
  • New relationship energy (NRE). The giddy rush at the start of a relationship, when you cannot stop thinking about the new person. Lovely, and famous for making people forget their existing partners' needs. More on new relationship energy.
  • Old relationship energy (ORE). The calmer, deeper comfort of a long relationship. Less dramatic, often more precious.
  • Polysaturated. Having as many relationships as you have time and energy for right now. It is a statement about capacity, not about anyone's worth.

Agreements and the language of the day to day

  • Agreements. The terms partners set together. Poly people tend to prefer the word to "rules", because agreements are made by everyone involved and can be revisited.
  • Boundaries. Limits about your own body and choices, as opposed to rules about what someone else may do.
  • Veto. An agreement that one partner can ask another to end a relationship. Common in some hierarchies and widely debated.
  • Don't ask, don't tell (DADT). An arrangement where partners agree to be non-monogamous but not to share details. It suits some couples and frustrates others.
  • Check-in. A regular talk about how everyone is doing. Unglamorous and essential.
  • Fluid bonding. Agreeing to stop using barriers with a partner, after testing and a frank talk about health. See fluid bonding.
  • Safer sex agreements. What everyone in the polycule agrees about testing, condoms and telling each other when something changes.
  • Relationship escalator. The familiar script of dating, becoming a couple, moving in, marrying and having children, as if every relationship must climb to the top. Poly people often step off it. See relationship escalator.
  • Relationship menu. A list of things a relationship could include, such as sex, living together, holidays, meeting family or sharing money, so partners can pick what fits rather than taking the whole package.

Polyamory or cheating?

The most important difference sits underneath all these words. Polyamory depends on everyone knowing and agreeing. Cheating depends on someone not knowing. A poly person can still cheat, by breaking an agreement they made, and a monogamous couple can be completely honest. The labels matter less than the honesty.

Using the words without overdoing it

Vocabulary helps, but it can also become a wall. A new partner or a curious friend does not need a lecture on the difference between a V and an N. Use the words that make things clearer and drop the ones that do not. If you also meet swingers, many of their words differ; our swinger slang glossary covers those.

We notice this a lot when couples first come to our dinners: they arrive worried about getting the words right, and within an hour nobody has said "metamour" once, because they are too busy talking about their kids, their jobs and the restaurant. The words are useful. The people are the point.

If a word here describes you better than any you had before, our page asking am I polyamorous is a gentle next step.

From words to people

A glossary can tell you what compersion means. It takes real people to show you what it looks like across a dinner table. Most people find their footing by spending time with others who already live this way, in small evenings among people they know rather than big anonymous events. If you are a couple or a single woman in North America or Europe, whether you call yourselves poly, open, swingers or simply curious, you can join Rope & Candy. Joining is free and takes one email, and when someone from our team is in your city, we meet you for a coffee or a dinner.

Questions people ask

What is the term for a polyamorous relationship?

There is no single word. People say polyamorous relationship, poly relationship or polycule for the whole network. Three people together are a triad or throuple, four are a quad, and the person linking two partners who are not together is the hinge.

What's the difference between cheating and polyamory?

Knowledge and consent. In polyamory everyone involved knows about the other relationships and has agreed to the arrangement. Cheating breaks an agreement and depends on someone not knowing. A poly person can still cheat, by breaking the agreements they made.

What is nonhierarchical polyamory?

It is polyamory in which no partner automatically outranks another. Nobody holds a veto over someone else's relationship, and decisions are weighed by the people they affect rather than by who came first. Practical commitments like a shared home still exist; they just do not set a rank.

What is polysaturated?

Polysaturated describes someone who already has as many relationships as they have time and energy for. It is not a rejection of anyone, just an honest statement that there is no room right now.