Swinger Lingo: A Glossary of Lifestyle Terms
A bull, in the swinging lifestyle, is a man, usually single, who is invited to be intimate with a woman in a couple, with her partner's full knowledge and consent. The term comes up most in hotwife and cuckold dynamics, where the couple enjoys the woman being with someone else. Like most swinger lingo, it describes a role people agree to, not a type of person, and every couple sets its own rules for it.
The lifestyle has a lot of shorthand, and nobody is born knowing it. Here are the terms you are most likely to hear, in plain English, whether you are in the US, Canada, the UK or anywhere in Europe.
The basics
The lifestyle
The most common polite name for swinging. People say "we're in the lifestyle" or "lifestyle couples" rather than "swingers", which can sound a bit dated. For the full picture, read what swinging is.
Swinging
A committed couple enjoying flirting, intimacy or sex with others, usually together and as a team. Feelings tend to stay inside the couple, which is one difference from polyamory.
Vanilla
Monogamous or conventional. Not an insult. "Our vanilla friends think we go to book club" is a common joke.
ENM and CNM
Ethical non-monogamy and consensual non-monogamy. Umbrella terms for any relationship where everyone knows and agrees to more than one partner. See what ethical non-monogamy is.
Monogamish
A couple that is mostly monogamous but allows the odd exception. The word was made popular by the writer Dan Savage. More in monogamish: the middle ground.
Hall pass
Permission for one partner to have a single, agreed experience outside the couple, often for one night or one trip.
How far things go
Soft swap
Kissing and touching with other people, stopping before full sex. The exact line varies, so ask. Our guide to soft swap vs full swap explains the grey areas.
Full swap
Sex with people outside the couple is on the table, within whatever rules the couple has agreed.
Same room
Couples who only play when they can see each other. Very common for beginners.
Separate room
Partners are comfortable playing in different rooms, or even apart for an evening.
Parallel play
Two couples being intimate in the same space, each with their own partner. A gentle first step for many.
Girl-girl, bi-curious and bi-comfortable
Girl-girl means play between women only. Bi-curious means interested but new to it. Bi-comfortable is often used by men who are relaxed about being close to other men without being interested in them sexually.
Roles and dynamics
Bull
As above: a man, usually single, invited by a couple to be with the woman. Couples often look for a bull who is confident but respectful, takes no for an answer, and is discreet.
Hotwife
A woman in a committed relationship who has intimate experiences with others, with her partner's enthusiastic support. Some husbands watch, some hear about it later, some prefer not to know details. Read hotwifing: what it is for how couples talk about it.
Stag and vixen
A version of hotwifing. The vixen is the woman who plays with others; the stag is her partner, who enjoys it and often joins in afterwards. The tone is usually proud and admiring, and the dynamic is often described as "she's sharing with me" rather than "he's being left out".
Cuckold
Another term for a man who enjoys his partner being with someone else. For some couples it includes themes of teasing or playful humiliation; for others it does not. Because the word carries those overtones, many couples prefer "hotwife" or "stag and vixen". Always ask what people mean by it.
Unicorn
A single woman, often bisexual, who joins a couple. The name reflects how rare and sought after this is. Couples looking for one are "unicorn hunting", which has a mixed reputation. Our guide to unicorn hunting done better explains why, and how to treat a single woman as a person rather than an accessory.
Single male and single female
Exactly what they sound like. Many parties and clubs welcome single women freely and limit single men, so the numbers stay comfortable for everyone.
MFM, FMF and MFMF
Shorthand for who is involved. MFM is two men and one woman, FMF is two women and one man, MFMF is two couples. If you are curious, see planning a threesome as a couple.
Places and events
On-premise and off-premise
An on-premise club or party has space where people can be intimate. An off-premise one is social only: people meet, flirt and go elsewhere if they wish. We compare the two kinds of night in house party or club.
Meet and greet
A social gathering, often in a bar or restaurant, where lifestyle people meet with no expectation of anything else. A popular first step.
Play party
A private party where intimacy is allowed, usually with clear house rules. See what happens at a play party.
Takeover
When lifestyle couples book out a hotel, resort or cruise so they have the place to themselves for a few days.
Playroom
The room at a party set aside for intimacy. Talking, drinks and food usually happen elsewhere.
Feelings and agreements
Compersion
Feeling happy when your partner is happy with someone else. The opposite of jealousy, roughly. Some people feel it from day one; many learn it. Read what compersion is.
NRE
New relationship energy, the giddy rush of a new connection. It can make people forget their agreements, so it is worth naming. More in new relationship energy.
NSA
No strings attached. Physical connection without any romantic expectation.
Fluid bonded
Partners who have agreed to have sex without condoms or barriers with each other, usually after testing and a careful talk. For general information on testing and protection, see sexual health in open relationships, and ask a doctor or clinic for advice that fits you.
Safe word or signal
A word or small gesture a couple agrees on that means "stop" or "let's step out and talk". Couples use them at parties so they can check in without a scene.
The upside-down pineapple
A widely known, half-joking swinger symbol, sometimes seen on doormats, jewellery or clothing. Plenty of people in the lifestyle have never used it, and plenty of people with pineapples on their porch are just fond of fruit, so never assume.
A few words on using lingo
Labels are handy shortcuts, but people use them differently. A "soft swap" couple in Toronto may draw the line in a different place from one in Berlin. When in doubt, ask in plain words: "When you say soft swap, what does that mean for you two?" Nobody will think less of you for asking, and it is part of good swinger etiquette.
If you are new, our beginner's guide to the swinging lifestyle puts all of this into practice.
Learning the words with friends
The fastest way to learn the lingo is to sit down with friendly people who already use it and ask silly questions. That is what our coffees and dinners are for. If you would like that, join Rope & Candy, tell us the cities where you live and travel, and bring your questions.
Questions people ask
What is a bull in the swinging lifestyle?
A bull is a man, usually single, who is invited to be intimate with a woman in a couple, with her partner's full knowledge and blessing. The term is most common in hotwife and cuckold dynamics. A good bull is respectful, discreet and follows the couple's rules.
What does soft swap mean for swingers?
Soft swap usually means kissing and touching with people outside the couple, while stopping short of full sex. Every couple draws the line in a slightly different place, so it is always worth asking what soft swap means to them.
What is a unicorn in swinger and poly terms?
A unicorn is a single woman, often bisexual, who joins a couple. The name comes from the idea that such a person is rare and much sought after. Couples looking for one are said to be unicorn hunting.
What does vanilla mean in the lifestyle?
Vanilla describes people or relationships that are monogamous or conventional. It is not an insult. Most people in the lifestyle have plenty of vanilla friends and family.